NarniaLore’s blog

Can't stay long very tired and im going to bed. On vacation for the week, so I will be able to post more often.

Got my rental issues cleared up...am teaching high school english at a place in harlem called Bread and Roses Integrated Arts High School. I have two 90 minute 9th grade Literacy classes, and one 12th grade English class.
The kids are interesting to say the least.

Got paid on Friday..and i'm basically broke or close to being broke now. But, im back doing what I pretty much always loved and enjoy doing--teaching.

Will go into more detail later....

Guten Nacht!

This will be brief since I have to go to bed like NOW...

Had a LOT of drama--i.e. personal, professional and financial...

Financial: was quite broke and behind in rent...like several months behind. Had to go to housing court to stop eviction proceedings. Just when things started to look really bad, i got a last minute miracle in a family member who came up with the money I owed the landlord. So, I paid them on january 23rd. No eviction

Professional: Was unemployed for three months with no consistent income coming in...just when I was about to bottom out, I got a mid year teaching position at a school in harlem. I start tomorrow officially. I get my first paycheck (provided the DOE doesn't eff my paperwork up) february 15th.

Personal: have yet to tell someone I like I'm interested in them...don't want to face rejection or mess up our friendship...he's a great guy. But, I've come to the realization that, right now, I'm not ready to date or be with anyone or allow someone else into my life. I think he knows that..but we still need to talk.

Am planning to really stick to a budget, manage and save my money, start working out, and tell S--- I like him and would like to be more than friends....or just closer friends if he doesnt want me.

Have a good one!

It's been a while since I have posted here. I'm sorry for that, but so much is going on in my life. Some of you know. But, for the moment, I'm not going to deal with that until I get everything straightened out.

But, I love you ALL..those I know who have pages here/those who glance at my page on occasion/those who may have briefly checked it out...

I LOVE YOU....I don't know  you,but I do draw strength from the fact that there are people who do "check" me out and support me...and I just want to thank you for that.

To those of you who know me offline, pray for me. I will need all of the love, support, good thoughts and cheer you can give me because starting next week, I have to take care of a LOT of things.

You are all in my prayers!

Ryan

So much has been going on for me that I haven't really had time to process it all.

But, up until late October, I was a middle school English teacher at an at-risk middle school in South Bronx. I was teaching 8th graders.

I had assumed that teaching was my career path: I felt I did pretty well as a first year teacher, and believed that clearly, teaching was what I was meant to do.

Until I started school in September. I don't know if it was the fact that I didnt take a break (taught in a summer program) or what, but I was extremely miserable coming back for my second year.

I wasn't happy, or I just had a growing frustration with my job. But, I lost all focus and committment to teaching. It was hard. Teaching is a very difficult profession. It takes a lot out of you to be able to come and stand in front of  a classroom and teach--basically have the intellectual lives of 35+ kids in your hands everyday.

For me, the reality is that I have been upset and frustrated with my job. And, lost the love I had for it when I first started teaching. I struggled to go to work; i had no desire to go to work. And, things just became pretty unbearable.

One weekend in September, things came to a head. I had what amounted to a nervous breakdown and spent two weeks in bed, very sick and tired of working. As I spent the first part of October recovering from my breakdown and food poisoning, I decided that it was best I leave.

I love teaching, and what I got out of it. But, I'm not focused at all nor was I feel committed to my career. I was profoundly unhappy, and I felt the only option for me was to walk away from it.

My bosses gave me a LOT of grief about it. The accused me of not being committed, not giving a damn about my kids and being selfish. That was unfair. I get where they are coming from, but seriously, how can I give my kids the best as their instructor if I am not at my best?

It made sense for me to move on, and I did. I resigned in late october of this year, and I am happy I did it. It was the hardest, yet best choice I could have ever made in my entire life.

Do I see myself going back to teaching? Someday I will. But, right now, I need to figure out where my life is going and to place myself in a better frame of mind/

It's scary as hell. Im broke and have bills coming out of my ass to deal with. And, it's very daunting indeed. Im being proactive about finding work, but living in NYC, we all know how tight the job market is.

I'm scared, but hopeful that things will improve soon for me.

I mean, I have two degrees from two of the best schools in the country (BA-Oberlin College/ MA-Teachers College/Columbia University) This should make me an attractive candidate for a job, right? I have experience as a teacher, I had experience to do work in educational policy (which im hoping to move into), and I believe I have a strong set of skills that can help me out with working somewhere...

It's just getting to that point is scary righ tnow. I'm at a major cross roads, and I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. I have so many options (creative, educational, non profit, etc.), and I want to see where they take me. But, I can't do tha tuntil I'm working somewhere and bringing in a steady check.

And, finding a job or jobs to bring a steady check is my current struggle right now....

so much is going on in my neck of the woods..things i would have never DREAMED would have happened to me...

it's been pretty daunting trying to make sense of it all.

I'll talk more about this when I feel ready to

First off...HOW YOU DOIN???

So, I'm single and really am not in a rush to date and bein a relationship. I have a my own set of baggage that would preclude me from WANTING to date anyone right now.

I'm 31 years old, and I enjoy being single. I like "me time" and getting re-acquianted with who I am and what I want out  of life. When I was younger, I used to be so caught up in finding "Mr Right" and striving for an ideal man that, in retrospect, I a) couldn't find because he never existed; b) wasn't ready to BE in a relationship; c) couldn't be with because I wasn't HALFWAY NEAR where my ideal man was.

So, I spent a lot of years being miserable and depressed because I didn't have a partner/boyfriend/someone to share my life with.

It wasn't until my return to NYC a few years ago that I did have all of those things--I had ME. It took me a few years of  some SERIOUS self reflection and confronting some very negative behaviors and habits (okay, so fucking other guy's boyfriends IS A NO-NO...Who knew? it seemed right at the time when we were jockeying for position in my dorm room at Teachers College on a Friday night, knowing full well BOTH of our legs would beup in the air and we'd both wake up in the morning with a GOOD SET of knee, shoulder, and ass burns as well as some bruises from hitting the headboard...LIke i said, off kilter and out of pocket..:))

It's now in the latter months of 2006, and I feel a lot more "RIGHT" and I'm "DOING ME". I'm very single, and just enjoying ME and my life.  I have wonderful friends and family who look out for me and care for me.

Yet, I'm starting to expand this circle of people to include a guy I'm friends with but who, recently, is starting to become something ELSE to me.

Let's just call him "Evan". "Evan" is someone i've know for a little while now. He's Dominican, in his late 30's about 6'1 and very muscular. He's a great guy. And, i totally assumed that he and I were just friends. Nothing more, nothing less.

But, this changed when we hung out at his place a couple of weeks ago. We were just talking and joking around. "Evan" is a massage therapist; he offered to give me one when I told him I never had one and never saw the point of getting them.

he smiled and offered to give me one. So, some ten minutes later, I'm getting my joints worked over and feeling really relaxed and rested. "Evan" was right...I had never had a GOOD massage and I needed to work out some stress and pressure.

He was very hands on. And, his hands worked every part of my body. During the session, he kissed me. As he was leaned over and face to face with me, he smiled and kissed me. Shocked and confused, I didn't know what to do and kisse dhim back. We both stared at each other for a few minutes and just went at it.

It was beautiful. For the first time in ages, I finally felt comfortable being with someone else. For a lot of reasons, I have always struggled to let go and just be in someone else's arms.

Not that day. I don't know what happened, but the two of us were pretty laid back and comfortable with each other. We joked around and kissed some more.

We kept talking and we continued to kiss before I left to go home.

I really don't know if that kiss symbolized something more or if it was just that..a kiss. However, I'm realizing that for the first time in a long time, I would be all right with the kiss leading to something more.

"Evan" is a great guy, and I value our growing friendship. I'm just trying not to put too much into it.

Should I put a lot into a kiss? Should I wait and see where things go from here??

More on this as it unfolds....

Hey there everyone!

I'm new so I have NO idea what will be on this blog or what theme my blog will take. For now, it will just be my own random thoughts, feelings, and musings about life...

And the quite off kilter, strange, goofy and hopefully, intriguing commentary I will probably give to it.

What you need to know about me:

I'm 31
I'm Black
I'm very happily Gay/Same Gender Loving/WORSHIPS DICK..whatever the new terminology is for identifying "gay" men/men who have sex with other men
I have an MA degree in English Education--so im MORE than capable of teaching your chillrens the proper way to conjugate verbs/teaching them the proper way to write essays, critically analyze ANY form of literature, etc.
I'm an UNEMPLOYED Teacher--left my job earlier this Fall and I'm very happy I did it.

I'm in the midst of a MAJOR life and career UPHEAVAL--one that is scary, frustrating, challenging, wonderful, and ultimately, life affirming. I'll talk more about it as I post more to this blog

And, I'm single but starting to realize that I have the capacity to LOVE someone and am putting myself in a state of mind to welcome that in my life after years of fucked up relationships, bad one night stands, and the like.

Hope you like my space!